Breaking Free from All-or-Nothing Thinking

Have you ever felt like if you don't do something perfectly, it's not worth doing at all? That sense of all-or-nothing thinking can be deeply paralyzing, especially when you're neurodivergent. The high stakes you set for yourself, or that your brain compels you toward, often mean the gap between expectation and reality feels overwhelming.

But there is another way. As a coach specializing in working with neurodivergent minds, I’ve seen how letting go of perfectionism and embracing “progress over perfection” can transform lives. In this post, I’ll walk you through what all‐or‐nothing thinking really is, why neurodivergent people are especially vulnerable, and how to move toward more balanced thinking, sustainable growth, and gentler self-acceptance.

What is All-or-Nothing Thinking?

All-or-nothing thinking (sometimes called black-and-white thinking) is when you view situations in extremes: success vs failure, perfect vs useless, go big or not at all. This cognitive distortion tends to ignore the spectrum in between. For many people, especially those who are neurodivergent (ADHD, autism, twice-exceptional, etc.), this thinking pattern arises from:

• a desire for clarity in a chaotic world

• sensory or emotional overwhelm pushing toward either “on” or “off” mode

• internal or external messaging that “good enough” is shameful or insufficient

Why Neurodivergent Brains Are More Prone to All-or-Nothing

1. High Sensitivity to Overwhelm

When everything feels intense — thoughts, feelings, sensory input — it's tempting to swing between extremes. Being “all in” can feel safe, because the alternative feels uncertain or uncontrollable.

2. Executive Function & Follow-Through Challenges

Starting big, then burning out, or stalling entirely, is common. When plans are ambitious, and follow-through is unpredictable, the “nothing” feels more real than the imperfect “something.”

3. Learned Perfectionism & Self-Criticism

Perhaps from school or past feedback, you internalize the belief that unless your performance is perfect you are failing. That pressure can amplify self-criticism, shame, and guilt.

The Cost of All-or-Nothing

• Burnout: pushing to extremes leads to collapse.

• Procrastination or paralysis: when you believe you can’t do it “perfectly,” you don’t do it at all.

• Self-esteem damage: assuming your worth is tied to “success” or “achievement,” never “just being.”

• Missed opportunities: small wins, incremental growth, experimentation get ignored.

Shifting Toward a Balanced Mindset: Practical Steps

Here are coaching strategies & growth tools I often use with clients to move away from all-or-nothing toward consistency, gentler achievement, and sustainable wellbeing.

1. Reframe Perfectionism to “Progress Over Perfection”

• Define what “good enough” means in specific, measurable, realistic ways for you.

• Celebrate small wins. Even progress of 1% matters.

• Ask: “If I did 80% of this, what impact would it have?” Often it’s much more than you expect.

2. Use Small, Actionable Micro Goals

Break large goals into tiny, manageable steps. If you want to write a book, start with a paragraph. If you want to redesign your routine, start with one item (e.g. morning ritual). Small steps build momentum.

3. Build in Flexibility & Buffer Zones

Allow for rest, setbacks, and variation. Instead of rigid schedules, use flexible “time blocks” that let you choose depending on energy, mood, or distractions.

4. Self-Compassion & Internal Voice Work

Notice the inner critic. Ask: is it helpful? Could you talk to yourself as you would a friend? Use compassionate self-coaching questions: “What might I need right now?” “What about this goal feels overwhelming?”

5. Anchor in Your Values

When your goals are aligned with your core values (e.g. joy, authenticity, growth), it’s easier to judge progress not by external or perfectionist metrics but by whether you are living more in alignment. This helps redirect “good enough” toward “what’s meaningful.”

6. Use Reflective Check-ins

Once a week or month, reflect: what went well? What was imperfect but still valuable? What mental models served me? Which ones didn’t? Adjust. Growth is a loop, not a line.

Coaching Tools & Supports That Help

• Journaling or voice recording: externalize all-or-nothing thoughts so you can see patterns.

• Accountability partner or coach: someone who notices when you are slipping into extremes and reminds you of balance.

• Mindfulness: grounding practices help reduce the emotional urgency that fuels extreme thinking.

• Visual aids and tracking: charts, habit trackers, whiteboards help you see incremental progress.

Case Story

Let’s imagine “Mira,” a client with ADHD. She aimed to reorganize her workspace. She decided it had to be perfect: new shelves, colour scheme, storage solutions. She stalled for months because everything had to be just right. We reframed: what if she just decluttered one drawer first? She did. Then one shelf. Each small action built confidence. After six weeks, the office was usable, not perfect — and she felt relief, pride, and momentum. That progress over perfection shifted her internal barometer.

How to Know You’re Making Progress

• You try things even if outcome isn’t certain.

• You feel less stuck, less shame, less self-judgement.

• You can pause and rest without thinking you failed.

• You celebrate imperfect wins.

Invitation: Coaching for Balanced Growth

If you resonate with the pain of all-or-nothing thinking, you don’t have to carry that burden alone. Neurodivergent coaching can help you build rituals, mindset practices, inner compassion, and real day-to-day tools to shift toward progress and away from extremes.

Feel free to reach out if you'd like to explore this together. It’s possible to move forward—gently, steadily, and in alignment with who you are.

Conclusion

All-or-nothing thinking is a powerful cognitive distortion, but it is not the only lens. As someone who is neurodivergent or who works with neurodivergent people, you have tremendous capacity for creativity, innovation, and unique strengths. Letting go of perfectionism and stepping into "good enough," micro-progress, and self-kindness doesn’t mean settling—it means choosing sustainable joy, authenticity, and lasting growth.